Now that the semester is over and I have a moment to breathe. I want to share some honesty, some vulnerabilities and maybe some hope.
I’ve said this before, but, step-mommin isn’t easy!
Do you know what happens when your kid turns 18?
They leave…if they can. They crush your heart and tick you off and say they don’t need you anymore.
The tether is no longer tied by you; they tie it or untie it.
You can’t do anything about it because whoever wrote the law said my kid could be on his own and it isn’t considered running away.
In reality, they are trying to breathe. They are trying to find out who they are.
*If at this point you are rolling your eyes or shaking your head because your kid never or would never, then this isn’t for you. I made mistakes and my heart was ripped out because of it. And I don’t want your judgment. *
I have been a stepmom for 13 years. It has been a rollercoaster to say the least.
It’s been hell to say the most.
But it was NEVER his fault.
I was a young spicy mid 20s when I married my husband who enjoyed spicy, but is a cool cucumber. I was a stepmom one other time in my life and it was the worst. I swore I would never do it again, but you can’t always control that.
I loved this boy from the day I met him at 5 years old. Spunky, funny, outgoing, loving and full of energy. Not to mention the double dimples that instantly stole my heart.
Unfortunately, his mother became jealous which drove her to hate me and be spiteful to my husband. In turn, I was livid at her existence. I lit fires and poured gasoline on them.
Every phone call, every check written for our son that wasn’t used for him made me fume.
Every single day I contemplated ways to remove her from our lives.
Every single day I was angry, volatile and unhappy.
At a certain point it became who I was.
I quite literally made it my persona. Imagine how that went.
What I did with that anger and disdain was turn it on my husband and his son. I was no longer a loving stepmom. I was vengeful, and frankly, immature. I made remarks about his mom when I knew he could hear.
This poor child was getting it from both homes.
I would drink to stave off the anger, and it worked because I was nicer, relaxed and fun. Then mean when I wasn’t drinking. To a child, that is hard. That’s confusing, hurtful and damaging.
I was playing “I love him, I love him not” with the flower petals and he was playing “she hates me, she loves me.” In reality I never hated him, I hated his mom. I hated the life I was living because it was unfair. I proposed ideas to make the situation fair, equal and easier, but she would never do anything that ended with her getting less money and us more time.
It was all fuel to my fury.
I was in denial for years about how terrible it was living with me until I didn’t want to live with me.
Even though I quit drinking and I felt my son and I had more good times together than not, we were still on a rollercoaster. I had already spent years of on and off nit picking, making him feel bad and then taking it back.
When he turned 15 it became harder because teenagers lie, they want more autonomy and less rules. They think they have all the answers. They get disrespectful.
And I wasn’t going to be treated disrespectfully, especially in my home. I wasn’t like his mom, and I let him know that crap wouldn’t fly in my house.
16 was real fun when he was driving.
17 felt a little easier.
Then 18 hit and the next day he was gone.
I was mad again. I was blaming his mom again.
So, from September 2025 until last April 2026, I had zero contact with him.
His choice and I couldn’t do anything about it.
I played the game again “I love him, I love him not” because my feelings were hurt and I was trying to convince myself I didn’t do anything wrong here.
I love him. I always have and always will.
Navigating parenthood is tough, it’s tougher when you are just the extra and there isn’t the innate bond and protection. I have to try harder and be more intentional to earn that relationship that isn’t natural.
A few years ago, I began my journey to self-love and loving others-like really deeply and emotionally loving others. I wanted to be better than I was, better than I had and to be who God created me to be. I was given a 5-year-old with dimples as a gift, and I took him for granted. I always said that God’s hand was in my reuniting with Michael and the trio we have, but I didn’t handle it with care or love, not like I should have.
I was raised to be tough, to defend and to protect.
We didn’t show much emotion except anger.
I did not protect my son’s heart or mind. I defended him from everything except myself. I added to his stress and trauma when I was supposed to be taking those things away. That is one truth that was very hard to admit and atone for.
My education in psychology combined with my faith has opened up my mind to more than just how to love him and others but how to understand myself so I can be better.
God opened this door and helps keep me grounded. I am better because I listened to him, to my son and my husband. I heard them and evaluated me.
I’m still tough. I still won’t take anyone’s crap and I love deeply. I can be both, it’s a tight rope balance.
I have apologized to God for not taking care of the child he put me partially in charge of. I apologized to my son for not being who he needed me to be. And have created space for him to tell me his honest thoughts and feelings.
I love that kid with my whole heart. After months of prayer and self-realization I got to have a long conversation with my young man. His dad took his senior pictures and I created his card.
Relationships are hard. They are harder when we don’t take the time to look in the mirror and see ourselves deep down. We need to admit our mistakes, atone for them and not dismiss how we may have affected others-especially our children.
God sets us free. He redeems stories and breaks chains.
Our guy graduates soon and he is going off to the Marines. I am so proud of him for all the hard work he has done and the crud he has overcome to get here.
I can speak and live with confidence knowing that my heart is healed. My family is whole and the future looks bright. AND please keep our son in your prayers as he prepares for and leaves to be a protector -that is one good thing I hope I instilled in him.