What was life like for you in your teens? Were you popular? Dubbed an outcast? Were you the one who got along with all walks of life?
I’m not sure exactly where I would classify myself, but I know I was not popular.
I wasn’t allowed to be a cheerleader.
I wasn’t good at sports.
I hated running.
I was never musically inclined.
I struggled most of my life to feel like I fit in anywhere.
At home, my older brothers were the smart ones with athletic ability and could do anything.
My little brother was the baby and was loved more than the rest of us. (this is the part you chuckle and think I’m joking, but I’m not. I have accepted it. I loved him most too)
I felt mediocre.
Don’t get me wrong, I never felt unwanted or unloved, but I wasn’t the kid people told stories about.
This notion followed me through my teens into adulthood- I craved validation and acceptance.
I wanted to be a story someone told others about.
That girl- that girl who lights up your room, that girl you notice.
That wasn’t me or my story.
So, I grew content with the dusky daydreams of my lonely heart.
Until it didn’t feel the loneliness-or anything- anymore.
The problem though- my heart was quietly surrendering to the depths of brokenness and despair.
I was unaware of the creeping chains and ascending walls that would keep people out.
I didn’t care.
I wasn’t trying to be the light anymore, I let the dark fall on me and basked in the glow of every neon sign. (and if that doesn’t make you sing that sad country tune we can’t go further…. jk)
That was my ode to life. I saw more at the bottom of a shot glass than the life outside.
I was 23 when someone stopped in their tracks at the sight of me. And he saw to the core.
I was a light in his world… the fritzy bulb ready to pop at any second, but I was a light.
And it is so sad to me now, nearly 12 years later, that I was willing to shut down at such a young age.
I was fine being snuffed out.
And now, in my mid-30s, I am in a place that I love. I genuinely love life and what is happening in it.
I want to be a light, but I no longer care if I am seen that way because I do not exist to carry the weight of others’ opinions of me.
People aren’t always willing to understand another person and allow them the opportunity to shine in their life.
That’s ok.
We shine where we can, and the right ones will help us.
The chains had to come off and the walls had to fall because it was the only way God was going to use me as His light.
And I am fitting in where I’m supposed to.
Nothing good has come without sacrifice and getting uncomfortable.
It’s uncomfortable when we feel unliked, judged, or unsuitable in the room we are in.
One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that not everyone is going to like me, but you have to do what you’re called to anyway.
Stop putting so much emphasis on what the world thinks, that isn’t where your light comes from.
Too many people have one foot in the door of a social media façade and one foot in real life.
We can only operate under artificial light for so long before the power source runs out.
Psalm 119:105 “Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.”
By your words they can see where I’m going; they throw a beam of light on my dark path. I’ve committed myself and I’ll never turn back from living by your righteous order. Everything’s falling apart on me, God; put me together again with your word. Adorn me with your finest sayings, God; teach me your holy rules. my life is as close as my own hands, but I don’t forget what you have revealed. the wicked do their best to throw me off track, but I don’t swerve an inch from your course. I inherited your book on living; it’s mine forever- what a gift! And how happy it makes me! I concentrate on doing exactly what you say- I always have and always will” Psalms 119:105-112