I love to tell the story of how my husband and I know each other because it goes further back than anyone expects.
We lived across the street from one another for roughly 7 years. He is 8 years older, so we were not hanging out then. I was barely out of training pants, but he and my oldest brother were good friends.
Even from such a long time ago and at early age I recall Michael being so nice. He is one of a kind.
Obviously, growing up, it never crossed my mind that Michael and I would end up married.
My family moved away when I was 11 and I saw him again when I was 15. Then again when I was 22.
Somehow the stars aligned, and I fell in his lap the winter of 2012 (literally). It was a bit ironic.
I was hanging out for a Christmas party at a good friend’s house. Michael came to pick his son up, who’s mother happened to be my friend, and I had no idea. No idea she had this child and no idea he was Michael’s.
Michael took his son to his parents and came back to spend time with me a bit later.
He was captivated by my charming personality.
By the end of the night, we had exchanged numbers and spent hours texting and being together.
He made me feel loved and desired in a way I never received- but craved. And the best part is that he already knew my story because of his friendship with my brother. He already knew what he was getting with me, or rather, not getting.
Compared to me, Michael was a saint, a pure soul and I was afraid once I told him all the things he didn’t know, that he would head right back out of my life.
But he stayed.
And we started to build our life together. Every moment revolved around us and his son.
Michael has always been a very involved, hands-on father, and I love that side of him.
By 2014, when we got married, I was genuinely in love with life and where it was headed.
Little did we know, the dumpster fire was rolling down the hill and about to crash into our home.
The day after we got married is when things hit the brick wall -it was going to get pretty shaky, and we were so unprepared.
We sent Michael’s son home with his grandparents so we could be alone on our wedding night. We hadn’t made plans to leave town until the next weekend when his son would be with his mom, but she had other ideas. While we were on our way back from the neighboring town she picked him up from my in-laws, unbeknownst to us. Mike’s parents let us know once we got there.
That was the first fight over my step-son between his parents.
It got worse. The jealousy she exuded was causing so many issues.
Then other things came into the picture and eventually an attorney and court fees were involved.
And a judge telling two parents how they are going to share their child because they couldn’t agree.
It was heartbreaking. Earth shattering and the absolute last thing I expected, wanted, or needed.
I quit school to work overtime and help with the attorney fees.
I was indignant to say the least.
My bonus son and I had become close, I have discussed this in an earlier blog post, and that was already hard on his mom. Then I married someone whom she considered one of her best friends and she lost me as well. I can understand where her emotions were coming from, but they were misplaced and tearing me apart, sticking a knife in my new marriage and I let resentment into my relationship with my bonus kid.
The next couple of years were hell on earth. I don’t think I could have made up a life scenario worse than what we went through. Okay, maybe I could have, but it was seriously awful.
Anger seeped from me daily.
I snapped at my husband, his son and I caused so much misery because I could not make sense of the decisions that had been made by the court.
Why can’t these two people just share the expenses and care of this child without causing burden to either party? I saw the answer, so easy, clear and it was beneficial for everyone.
I was a fire starter, flame keeper, stoker and Michael wanted to throw water on it all to keep peace and it didn’t matter how unfair it was to him or wrong it was.
Fighting wasn’t in him. It was in me. I grew up fighting with siblings, mouthing my parents and picking fights with the neighbor kids.
But he and I were fighting and losing all sense of why we got married.
I lost count of how many times I threatened to leave the marriage because the situation wasn’t mine. Not my ex or my child or my problem, and if I just leave then he and I are both walking out of this with a lot less stress.
But I never could. I did not get married to get divorced 2 years later and no man or woman was going to separate me from my spouse.
I honestly was at a loss other than knowing I needed to fight for us, our family and not let temporary situations get the better of me, and they did for the first probably 6 or 7 years.
How did we make it? By the grace and mercy and design of God- there was no human way to save us.
My temper was so bad my own husband didn’t want to come home. He didn’t want to tell me anything that transpired between him, and his son’s mother and he never knew if it was safe to touch me-His own wife in his own home.
And that is one reason I still drank during the first part of our marriage because I was a happy drunk and all the anger hid away, even if for a moment.
Our life was better sometimes when his son wasn’t home because then I could pretend like his mom wasn’t an issue in it.
I carried so much resentment because I felt like I was putting my education on hold for something that wasn’t my doing and someone I didn’t drag into our lives. I resented her because I blamed her for my unhappiness and anger. I blamed her for so many things because the circumstances were unfair- it didn’t play out the way it could have, the way it should have.
Why couldn’t it just be easy? I have seen other people do it, split time and care and extras for the sake of their child.
What I wish I could take back is all the angry words, the wasted time, the way I handled every situation with my bonus son. This was uncharted territory for us, and so reminiscent of the life my parents had with my sister and her mom. I never wanted that in my life.
My kid was not at fault for a single issue brought into the home or the marriage and I am sure my mood swings caused confusion for him. Some days we were good, other days I didn’t speak to him much.
Oh, but God.
God truly does work when you let Him.
I prayed so hard through all of this. What did I need to do to be better for my husband and child? Where was I failing and how can I make it right?
I was leading my life everyday based off feelings, not facts or truth.
I wasn’t keeping God in the center of discussions or decisions.
Communication was another key. Michael and I talked about a lot of things a lot. And cried and talked.
We had age-appropriate conversations with our kiddo, and I apologized to him more than once for my actions and my words and reassured him how much he is wanted, loved and cared for.
Marriage isn’t easy when there aren’t outside influences, and it’s definitely hard when you are blending, and natural parents have to be involved.
It’s hard because it isn’t natural. It was not the way God originally designed family. They weren’t supposed to be broken, but it happens, and we should all come together to work it out in the best of everyone’s interest but especially the kids and what’s healthiest for them-
I did too many things wrong by our son, but thankfully there was and has been time for redemption.
And I am so happy to say we have all come so far in our growth and our God designed family unit is at its healthiest. I never thought I could love my people more, but then I do.
I am so thankful and blessed by God that he gave me a patient, loving and forgiving husband.
I prayed to be better, and He revealed where I was failing, He pointed out my flaws and mistakes and I worked diligently on them. God taught me how to be the bonus mom my son needs and give him what he was missing. He helped me use the right words of healing for my marriage and change my thinking.
God will do it for you too. It takes patience and awareness and being mindful of the work God is doing in you.
It is so worth it to live Happily ever after.
” Let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Mark 10:9