I remember the first time I met my husband’s son. It was in December 2012, and he had just turned 6 that September. He was the cutest, sweetest little boy with dimples that could take you out. He didn’t have to try to show them, they were always there. The last thing I wanted was to get attached to another child. I was a stepmom before, and it didn’t go well. The more I bonded with that little girl, the more hateful and jealous her mom was. She said terrible things and I didn’t want to ever go through that again. Oh, but it didn’t take long at all and I was wrapped around another little finger.
My “son’s” mom and I had already been friends, so it wasn’t so difficult in the beginning. We were able to hang out, all of us together, and be with our kiddo. However, in time, the same thing happened. The stronger my bond was with him, the more upset she became.
I never aimed to replace anyone. When there is a child in my home, I’m going to love them and treat them well. I was accused of trying to steal him, confuse him, and even push her out of his life. I’d never want that, how damaging that would have been.
What was really hard was the way I would be ignored by my stepson at his soccer games if his mom was there, too. He wouldn’t look at me. I asked him about it one day and he told us it was because he thought it would upset his mom. He wanted me there, but that treatment upset me. I never told him my feelings were hurt, he was struggling as it was, and it wasn’t his to deal with.
When we were home together, it was back to normal. Everything was right as rain.
For several years being stepmom was the most stressful role I ever had. I went from being able to have a relationship with him and having good times, to feeling like I had to step away to keep the peace. I would pull away from our relationship, and the resentment I held toward her, I projected onto him.
I wish I could go back and do it differently, because I would have prayed and listened to God’s direction, but I wasn’t pursuing Him then and I made too many mistakes.
I love that kid something fierce and I know exactly who I am supposed to be for him now. I am that person without a single care what anyone else thinks. It’s a relationship that has been mended more than once and he is not to blame.
I have wasted so much time and energy on doing it all wrong, afraid to make the wrong move and being strained with my husband because I was so angry all the time.
But now, we are in a place where I can apologize when I am wrong and have a conversation with him about our feelings without guilt.
We have the relationship now that we should have always had.
Being a stepparent is not for the faint of heart.
Its days of anger, days of hopelessness, days of feeling like quitting, days of wading through all that is unfair because moms and dads aren’t treated the same in an Oklahoma courtroom.
Blending a family should have heavy focus on the kids and what is best for them. Sometimes situations are downright unfair for them and the parents. We do what we must to give them a healthy life.
I can take a lot of blame in many areas because it was uncharted territory. And I rarely handled things right, but there is plenty I will not accept responsibility for.
Being a stepparent is stressful. It’s thankless. It is the worst and the best and it is so dang hard, but man I love that kid. I believe the family we have is by God’s hand and I see His work in it daily.
If you are in this season of hard step parenting, it may get better, but lean on the Lord for guidance. It isn’t forever. Focus on your purpose and plan, be who you’re called to be in your kids’ lives and you’ll eventually see the fruits of your labor.
The well-being of the children have to come first. They aren’t pawns or there for tug of wars. They didn’t have a choice and should never be made to feel like they have to choose a side.
Sooo good!