I get it, marriage is hard. It can be one of the hardest relationships you have.
It can be the most rewarding relationship you have (aside from Jesus of course).
A fact about relationships though, they all require communication if they are going to succeed.
I’m talking true communication, face to face conversation.
Don’t text or email the important stuff.
Don’t be afraid of being vulnerable.
People need to see the emotion behind the words you say.
Growing up, I wasn’t taught how to communicate-I was only told what I could not say and to whom.
I was taught to respect my grandparents when I spoke, and my parents as well-but that one didn’t stick as well.
I yelled a lot.
I used derogatory terms to get the point across.
Slammed doors. Used gestures to assist in some emotions I felt.
For the majority of my life I didn’t witness healthy communication in marriage, friendships or between my siblings.
Hindsight as an adult is a real kick in the rear.
When I got married to my amazing husband, I had never learned to have healthy communication.
I gave opinions, talked at people and didn’t know how to collaborate.
I carried that into my marriage.
When I was angry- and I was too often in the early years- I was unkind, to put it lightly.
I told him the best way to do everything, and he didn’t dare challenge me because it wouldn’t make a difference.
My husband is soft hearted, kind beyond belief and only knows how to love and work together.
We were the poster marriage for “opposites attract”.
The only issue with Michael being this way is that he didn’t like to stand up for himself. It was unnatural for him to deal with confrontation.
See, being raised in a home that was unhealthy in pretty much all the ways, I didn’t know better and no one corrected me.
I was taught to be tough, stand my ground, fight for my beliefs and have a backbone.
It has served and handicapped me.
I wondered why people were always cross with me and I didn’t have friends.
I’ve gained much self-awareness and I know I was the biggest part of the problem.
We all have struggles with our communication to work on. That’s a fact.
The good news is, if you are willing to listen, then it’s fixable.
It took my sweet husband a while, but he finally told me I was not nice when I talked to him, and that I was letting my resentment for his ex, project onto my bonus son.
It was hard to hear. Especially with pride in the way.
WE ARE NOT PERFECT PEOPLE.
Appreciate the ones in your life that hold you accountable and call you out because they truly want you to be your best.
I knew our marriage was in trouble- a lot of things had junked it up.
I couldn’t wait to get married. I wanted Michael as my husband more than anything. I wanted to be that wife the Bible talked about-the woman that made her home a good one and her husband wanted to come home to.
I can’t lie- I wasn’t creating that space for him.
I wanted to have a happy home. I struggled to be happy myself, but I was affecting my spouse and my child because I wouldn’t let things go.
I held on to how unfair life is-and how wrong things were. I wouldn’t let go of anger, resentment or hate.
And I wasn’t about to forgive.
I was joyless, hopeless and for what? My misery was not affecting the one person I wanted it to but the two people it never should have.
I was letting circumstance, and a single person dictate the joy I had or not.
And it was day after day, week after week-something dumb was constantly taking place. I didn’t have time to breathe, much less figure out how to stop being angry before the next dumb thing happened.
When I decided I had to take back control- I gave it to God.
It was chaos because I was trying to do it myself.
I wanted my husband- I did not want to lose him. I knew I had a lot to work in front of me.
Pursuing God isn’t easy because He asks to lay things down and not pick them up again.
He asks you to forgive, no matter what anyone did to you.
No matter what anyone did to you (yes that is in here twice for good reason).
Recently I had a conversation with a beautiful wise woman about some hard stuff that I have put on my plate to struggle with- she reminded me its important to also pray for your enemies.
Enemies are those who oppose you.
God says to pray for them too.
For the better part of our nearly 11 year marriage Michael and I faced opposition and I did not want to pray for her.
No way-if I was praying for her nothing nice was about to come out of my mouth so I decided it best to keep it shut.
Until I didn’t have a choice.
Not only did God tell me to, but he also sent someone else to tell me to do it too.
This wasn’t only for me. She is God’s child too.
When I began to take the word of God seriously and put His teaching into play,
I began to soften.
I listened to my husband.
Our communication was better.
I loved him better.
And instead of breaking our union and promises of our vows, we fought for each other.
We held onto the people we fell in love with and worked hard to get that back.
Its God, him and me. No one else can have a place in your marriage, not if they are stealing your joy, causing you pain or tearing you apart.
We held tight. And we survived.
11 years later I still choose my husband every single day, to love, honor and respect him. I choose to serve him, help him and be what he needs, and I do it gladly, with my whole being.
Hard seasons will come. We don’t go through them once and never again. The human condition brings hard times, but we know how to hold on through the storms.
And we know who is steering the ship.
“Follow the lead of one another because of your respect for Christ. Wives, follow the lead of your own husbands as you follow the Lord. The husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. The church is Christ’s body. He is its savior” Eph. 5:21-