I had my first go with alcohol when I was 14. My oldest brother had friends over and I impressed them with how fast I could guzzle beer down a plastic tube.
At 15 I had gone to a couple parties and learned I enjoyed the feeling of vodka slicing up the back of my throat.
When I was 20 I rekindled an old friendship from high school with a guy I almost dated, but my parents made me move schools. We had weekend bonfires and drank too much.
By 21 my sister and I were having a lot of fun in the bar. There was one bar in particular located in Owasso where we became regulars.
On Occasion Jenny and I would hang out at the bars.
If I wasn’t drinking, I wasn’t having a good time.
If I was sober, it’s because I had to work or sleep, but sleeping- I was probably just too drunk to stay awake anymore.
I went from feeling loved and wanted to shattered and worthless. I didn’t even attempt to pick myself up off the ground.
Every single thought I started to have, was negative, soaked in bitterness and dripping in poison.
I was killing myself with substance and thoughts.
When the guy I thought was my forever ended up in my past I had no idea how to feel. He went through the worst of my life up to that point and told me I was the first person he ever loved like he did.
And to make it worse – we had a hard time letting go, so even when it was over it wasn’t over for a couple more years.
I didn’t trust the words of anyone else.
When my sister and I went to the bar, I would leave with a random guy and wake up in an unknown place.
On occasion it might be the same guy.
When I started hanging out with the guy from high school…well he was still in his wild days and had no desire to settle down.
I found myself giving my heart away again. He made me think he was taking it, but ultimately I just got crushed again.
22 and I settle for a guy who is the definition of a bad choice. A decision made in desperation to feel that kind of love again.
I wanted to be wanted and validated and it didn’t matter how I got it.
I told him I would marry him even though my heart knew he was all wrong. He didn’t treat me with love and adoration. He was not charming or caring.
But spending time with him, seeing what my future was going to be, knocked some sense into me and I broke it off before it got too far.
I was 23. I already thought my life was over.
Who I wanted didn’t want me.
Who wanted me was not good for me.
I can’t recall a time I ever felt so lost, hopeless, and downright disgusted with myself.
In these years I had slept on one grandma’s couch, stayed in the spare room of another for a couple years until I was on my feet.
I was so sad. I was living for my grandmothers more than anything else – the strongest women I knew. They were raised in tough conditions, got through some of the worst of times and I was going to be the epitome of their strength no matter what it took.
The grandma whose spare room I took, shares a home with my uncle, so it was just as much his love and generosity that saved me. He set a curfew that I respected, and I called my grandma if I would be late or not home at all. That was my home and I wanted to be there so the curfew forced me to be home at a decent hour and I couldn’t get into trouble.
I started going to the gym and taking care of myself. My nights of drinking were limited to weekends.
I was dealing with a lot of confusion. Trying to manage my emotions and my feelings about the last few years of my life.
I had a couple guy friends in that time that were the best of the best. Hearts of gold, and I even hurt one of them in a selfish attempt at finding what I needed.
By the time I was 24 I was deciding I was done with the bar, done with trying to find validation through scandalous living. I was dating someone I had known basically my entire life and genuinely loved. I knew he wasn’t my “end-game”, but I enjoyed the feeling of true, genuine love from someone who was kind.
One night I (re-met) my now husband. We exchanged numbers.
I saw him again a few weeks later and that’s when the guy I was dating knew it wasn’t going anywhere with us.
My husband and I started dating in December 2012.
We got engaged in April 2013, and married in April 2014.
Everything was blissful. We were happy- until the earth caved in under us.