It’s been too long since I allowed myself to sit and write something that is not an academic assignment. Putting words to paper, erhm typing words on a screen, is my therapy. It has been since an English teacher in 9th grade encouraged me to keep writing after reading a paper my angry self had written for a journal assignment. She said I had a gift for bringing my words to life.
I’ve been told that more than once, but it was hard to believe others when they said good things about me, when I struggled to believe me about them.
Recently, I was in a conversation with someone I adore, we aren’t close necessarily, but we have had good, honest conversations. She told me what my words mean to her when she reads them and how I have said things she struggles to find words for.
And I realized I have not made time to write in weeks, it feels like months.
I’m nothing if not honest, too honest sometimes. I think people live vicariously through my honesty. I’ll say things others wont, and deal with confrontation.
I have had to learn that my opinion is not always wanted, even when it is asked for.
And there are times when I give my opinion because I feel like I am advocating for others or myself and it still isn’t wanted but, in my opinion, its necessary (insert laughing emoji)
I think it’s sad that so many people cannot handle real, vulnerable honest conversations. We can’t have genuine relationships when one or both sides are stepping around each other like the floor is lava and you must be careful not to slip.
I prefer not to have a relationship with someone when that is how it has to be.
I want to be loved for my entire self, all of me and called out in my BS and then go back to normal.
I need to be able to communicate, talk, disagree without a volatile outcome.
I don’t have the patience, the time or the energy to constantly pick and choose what I can say or approach with fear for unknown reactions.
I have been going through a thing- I can’t convey in its entirety because others are involved. I started off being angry, then disappointed, then sad and now I am just neutral, I think. Although I do love the others immensely, when I had time to think about it, the relationships didn’t feel honest or genuine. I was never “allowed” to give my true opinion or thoughts because I knew, or feared, it would turn into a fight, which was proven true. And I will always end up the “idiot”.
It’s fine. It will be, maybe. I control what I can. I did what I felt was right and I never approached the situation with malice or ill feelings. I refuse to end up in that position again.
We have hard relationships. We have autonomy to choose how we react or not. We all learn and accept things in different times. We need to control what we can and let go of what we can’t.
Being human is tough.
In the last couple of years, I have been unlearning behaviors that are not conducive to being a human, especially ones in relationships.
I had to sift through years and years of life lessons and throw away a lot of crap because it was wrong or not suitable for this season of life.
Then I had to learn lessons I never had before.
Emotions and feelings, for instance, were not a something we were able to express much. My dad was hard, and so was his dad and so on. It became a generational problem no one wanted to identify until I decided to and then take control of.
I worked so hard not to feel or be fazed, now I am working so hard to not just feel but to be moved by my emotions and feel feelings, to sit with them. I don’t want to pull the rug over them anymore.
I’m a better me when I don’t ignore what’s inside, when I have conversations about feelings, thoughts and emotions. It takes the person on the other end being mature enough to recognize their own feelings and get comfortable in that setting and to stay grounded.
Is that not what Jesus did? He wept, he cried out, he expressed his feelings and emotions to not only his Father but people he had relationships with.
I want to be like Jesus and that means getting comfortable with getting uncomfortable, to swallow pride and take accountability when it’s hard.