I have a heavy heart tonight.
Things in life have been changing, and I don’t always care for change.
I gave my testimony recently and, in my preparation, I was thinking about a lot of my life.
And I have felt stirred for some time since.
When I was younger, I told my dad I wanted to be a psychologist. I have no idea why.
The only thing I remember from his response is “no, you don’t. They are a bunch of weirdos.”
Weirdos are everywhere, in all professions.
I was discouraged. I wasn’t told “good for you!”, “pursue that” or “that’s a great idea”
My dad did not believe in therapy or counseling because he didn’t believe in sharing emotions with each other, much less strangers. My dad has great qualities, but there are things about him I have grieved as I become older and recall past memories.
Communication is something I didn’t know the definition of until I was much older.
Too much older.
Communication style in my home growing up was one sided and it was typically a parent telling us what to do without context. Could we ask questions? Nope, the answer was because they said so. I’m sure many of you can relate.
I have said this before, but we weren’t encouraged, we were told what we did wrong, and we didn’t speak kind words to each other.
We heard “I love you” frequently but the actions didn’t match the words.
Yelling, cussing, put downs, let downs. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Growing up, I thought my older brother hated me because our relationship was unhealthy. We constantly assaulted each other with words and weapons.
When I went to school for psychology instead of nursing, I wasn’t sure what to expect but what I discovered was an insight to my “missing memories” an understanding of the addictions that plague one side of my family, and the depression that plagues the other. And a lot of stuff in between.
My families did not communicate with each other. Neither side taught me coping or communication skills. I learned how to hide emotions, swallow my pain and use a substance to feel better. I learned to be tough, have a backbone of steel and intimidate others.
My heart is heavy because it has taken me so long to see not only my faults, but the faults of generations before me that continue to be passed down.
When we don’t have an opportunity to express our feelings, we are left believing that they don’t matter.
When we won’t listen-when we shut our kids down because as parents, we have received this notion from generations before they don’t get to ask questions because its “back talking” we make them feel unimportant.
How many times have you said to your child “you need to think about what you have done” expecting them to come out of their room with a revelation and apology? They did what they did because they thought it was a good idea, or they did it because they have 0 control of anything else. Or because “what the heck” they are always in trouble anyways.
As parents, it isn’t always as simple as “my kid did a thing they were not supposed to because they are immature or dumb.”
ASK QUESTIONS. How can you know what’s wrong in your child’s thoughts if you don’t give space for healthy communication. Are they scared to open up because that’s another issue.
Healthy communication means they get to ask questions. They get to have feelings, and they get to understand why their actions were not okay all while feeling loved and knowing they matter
I love my family, truly I do. These are problems in numerous families, not just mine.
But here is the deal. I see it now in public, I hear it from students and clients, and I wish I knew then, what I know now.
We can’t cuss and yell at our children. That’s abuse.
We can’t demean or dismiss our children’s feelings and emotions. That’s abuse.
We can’t cut them down in front of others, even their own siblings. That’s abuse.
Correction needs to be private. It’s not for spectators.
We can’t tell our kids not to cuss and yell and demean each other when that’s the example they are getting.
Parents yell-kids will too. If parents “settle” arguments in unhealthy ways, likely kids will too.
How we communicate and love our children is teaching them how to communicate and love others.
All the above also happened in my home growing up.
I am still working on things that linger from my past, things I didn’t realize were hurtful until recently.
I am not perfect, but my creator is. We should be heeding the words He gave us to not only right the wrongs of generations before, but to also correct those we love.
We can be tough parents who discipline our children and a little soft.
Soft doesn’t have to mean 0 discipline.
Our kids grow up and they tell their stories just as we do.
I know my son is going to have to learn to get over sone resentment and anger and even some other things when it comes to how he will talk about his childhood. I learned late.
I hope the rest of his life going forward is better and by the time he is my age I will have filled up his cup with enough positives that they outweigh the negatives.
We should never stop self-evaluating. And we can’t let fear of acknowledging our faults keep us from changing them.
Loving one another means that we have given space to be corrected and to correct. This is for the rest of our lives and applies to all imperfect humans.
“Dear Brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the laws of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself you are not that important.” Galatians 1-3
“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And you’re not bringing sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.” Ephesians 4:29-30