Am I a Real Girl? (part 1)

I have given my testimony before, but left out parts that might have been too sensitive for the platform I was on at the time. Some of it used to be really embarrassing and some of it makes me look downright, clinically insane. I don’t say that for humor’s sake. I say that because I struggled to accept what the doctors told me, and I fought reality.

I have grown in my faith, and emotionally, with a lot of room left for progress. I am healthier in all the ways I felt sick before when I was younger. I don’t always love reality, but I no longer try to hide from it.

I turned 16 in July 2004, got my first job that November, and immediately found out I was not an extrovert, and had acquired zero people skills in my short life. I didn’t have many friends and was always the quiet loner type in school.

Honestly, to sum me up, I was the epitome of all the Avril Lavigne, Pink and Joan Jett songs rolled into one. Hated life, hated the world, hated school…you get the point.

I wasn’t exactly a “wild child”, but I disobeyed, had attitude and was the 4^th child of five. My parents were tired.

One day I decided I was done with school. I wasn’t going back, and my parents couldn’t do anything about it. I had a friend I’d skip with for a short time. We would steal gas, screw off and for a brief moment it felt like freedom. I dropped out, and she stayed.

My new reality hit fast. I worked full time, got my GED the next month and didn’t look back. I didn’t feel like I made a mistake. I wasn’t allowed to stay home and be supported by my parents, so I began adulting early.

When I started my job, so did an older guy that was hired as a manager. I couldn’t stand him, but he ends up playing a vital role in my life for several years.

I wound up dating that older guy from work. He was 22, and I was 16. We hung out with our mutual work friends. I had never dated before, wasn’t really interested. And I definitely tried to keep him a secret from my parents. He had a 3-month-old, in the middle of a divorce and I was a dumb teenager.

As a matter of fact, one of the other managers ratted us out to my parents and my dad got his number, called him while we were on a secret date and said, “son, you got my daughter?” I think he tried to lie if memory serves, but my dad told him to get me home ASAP. He dropped me off on the corner. Looking back, I find that memory hilarious. My dad was such a nice guy, but had a way about him that could scare that fire out of people.

This thing with the older guy just happened, as there wasn’t any weird grooming involved, and it started out as an innocent friendship. At the age I am now, I know how it looks to others. I wouldn’t want my nieces or my son dating someone in their 20’s, at 16.  But I truly don’t know where I would have been without him because I leaned on him, and he gave me nothing but support.

The night that started it all, I began having horrible cramps, and I think “oh! I am about to hit the next stage of life and be a real girl. NOTHING HAPPENED. My mom bought the chocolates ironically chocolate covered cherries (because Queen Anne is where its at), the teen magazine, you know the one that tells you your horoscope and how “into you” a guy is?

It didn’t help. There was no magic in Teen People or the cherries, I just laid there in agony.

…And later we find out why the tampon instructions didn’t work for me (insert hysterical crying emoji)

I had no idea what was happening because the “boyfriend” and I had not done anything at this point to be aware of anything out of the ordinary.

I never had an in-depth conversation with my mom about what to expect, and I didn’t have conversations at school about it. I was asked once in the bathroom if I had a tampon, I thought that was weird.

Eventually I end up in the OB office with my mom because something abnormal is going on. I’m several months past 16 and should have started my period by now.

Granted, there wasn’t near the amount of hormones in our food back then, so maybe it wasn’t totally crazy. These poor girls aren’t even making 12 nowadays before they have to deal with it.

The day of the appointment was a blur…like an out of body experience. Even trying to think back to that day, it doesn’t feel real.

Not to mention, every female probably remembers the awkwardness of their very first pelvic exam done by a stranger who just slapped their gloves on and says “alight, scooch down and spread your knees apart”, no thank you! What a violation.

The Dr. was someone my mom trusted. She had been a patient of hers for years and all through her risky pregnancy with my little brother. She was actually super caring and did her best to kill the stress.

She did her pelvic exam, ultrasound of my abdomen and kept a sweet demeaner the entire time.

But, she pulled my mother out into the hall “privately” to tell her she didn’t have an official diagnoses but she can’t see a uterus or ovaries. And from her physical exam knows there is not a full vagina and pretty certain there wasn’t a cervix.

My mom is emotional anyway, but this is unexpected news about her only daughter.

She starts to cry outside the room with the doctor. I think something is wrong, like cancer, or worse, because of how upset my mom is.

They told me together about her finding or lack thereof, and the doctor says by her diagnoses, I’ll never have children, menstrual cycles, and intercourse will be tough if it is even possible.

She didn’t have a name for the diagnoses. She barely had words.

I was in shock I guess because the reality of what was just said to me didn’t seem to affect me like it did my mother.

Next thing I know, we are trekking it to a specialist in OKC for answers.

*stay tuned for next week to find out if I have testicles or not*

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