What Is The Real Mystery

Do you ever feel like a fraud? You know you aren’t, but the way things change so drastically in life makes it feel so unreal and almost frightening.

What I know, I have never elevated myself on my own to receive a blessing. God has worked out tremendous things and opened doors I never dreamed of. Doors I had no idea were available. That feeling I have of not being good enough is my humanity because I’m not; at least not on my own. I have only spent the last decade living as a Christian. I have spent the last year truly laying my life at the foot of the cross and turning all of it over to him because I couldn’t figure it out.

Anger, stress, resentment, unworthiness, attitude, attitude, attitude… yea that was a big deal.

I had a bad attitude, not like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, but like an adult throwing one.

I frequently asked God “why”. Why am I doing this? Why am I here? Why did you put me in this place where it feels like you forgot me?

I was discounting all the things God has done because I was currently in a season, I found to be unfair. (as if I was deserving of what I wanted. Insert eye-roll)

The last decade has been a rough one. I made it harder and probably caused some seasons to last longer because I was never good at obedience.

But, let me tell you what happened when I was.

Well, first I was dramatic. Heavy sigh-then pray. And I was praying in unbelief at first. Sort of along these lines “Dear Lord, I know this is what I should be doing. I’m not sure if it’s the right time, I have no idea what to do and I’m just tired. I know you will do it all in your time.”

Then it became “Lord, I lay this life at your feet. I surrender the decisions to you. I pray your will is done because I KNOW the plans you have for me are greater and more purposeful than anything I can do on my own”

I stayed in the job that was not right and I did it well. I prayed on my way to work for God to help me with my attitude and to love my patients because He had me there for a reason. I needed to change my perspective, my heart, my mind to fit where God was moving me. That person was not going to fit into the place He was moving me.

Then it happened. He elevated me. He placed me at the right time in the right place with the BEST people. In a community that loves their people.

But I have days I feel like a fraud because people knew me for years beforehand and were at a place with who I was that who I am is possibly shocking.

I wasn’t mean or hateful, but I was never putting myself “out there”. I wanted God to use me for His purpose, but I was resistant to the change it required.

I was comfortable in my box and now that I have let Him remove the box, I am getting comfortable with that.

At first I wanted to ask God if he could move me to a town and church where people didn’t know me before. I wanted it to be easy and I didn’t want the doubt.

Is there a better testimony to the work God does in someone than for others who knew you before to see it?

I have made changes previously; I still have people who doubt-you will and it isn’t our problem.

It is weird but it’s the best thing to happen in my life because it means that I can be used to spread light and love.

The personality “flaws” I thought I had, I believe are there because they need to be. I need to be abrasive and protective because I am a wife, a bonus mom, and an aunt. I will be working with youth who need structure and safety. I needed to learn me just as much as others must take time to do the same.

I don’t think God works in a “mysterious “way, it’s miraculous what He does. I’m in awe, not mystified, of what He has done when I finally gave up fighting.

It isn’t a mystery that God wants you. It isn’t a mystery that He can change you.

It’s a mystery that we know what He can do, but don’t allow Him to do it.

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