I thought my story, the testimony I would always share, was going to be how God helped me get through the struggles of a congenital birth defect. I spent more of my life mourning a future I would never have than not. I spent countless nights spilling tears on my pillow in silence because I was shattered but it was my problem to suffer.
That is part of my testimony, but to my surprise, there was more.
As Christians, we should grow in our relationship with Christ throughout our life.
The part of my story that has changed me in ways I never saw coming seems more significant to me than lacking the ability to bear children.
It’s no small feat what I had to get over mentally and emotionally and heal through spiritually, but it was about me. I felt selfish to continue staying lost in circumstances I couldn’t change.
I wanted to be available for God to use, but I kept myself closed off.
I was angry, sad, resentful, jealous…
How could God use me for the purpose of my life when all that wreckage was in the way?
We think a great testimony is one full of abuse or addiction someone overcame-no doubt that is a fantastic testimony and praise be to GOD for those stories being changed.
But-our testimony doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.
I thought I had changed- I thought I was doing everything right. I would get upset with God because circumstances weren’t changing.
I wasn’t being patient. I wasn’t humbling myself. I wasn’t doing the work while I expected God to do “His” part.
If I told my testimony today it would be more about my changed heart.
My heart for people I never thought I would have.
I used to pride myself on my honest, straightforward personality.
I feel more genuine now than I ever have.
I was hardened for the longest time because of what I dealt with when I was younger, and it was so gradual I never realized it was a façade. I wasn’t true to the person God created me to be because I allowed the enemy to take over my thoughts and convince me I was never getting better than I was.
BUT GOD
I started feeling so overwhelmed by my lack of knowledge of how God works. I wanted more from Him, not from life or things or possessions.
I wanted to be light and love and remove the cloak of my past. I became a Christian years ago. I was baptized-but I still held tight to that piece of comfort I dragged with me through most of my life.
I was avoidant and careful. I preferred to stand in the shadows of others. I didn’t want to be called out, called on or expected to do anything.
I didn’t feel worthy, or sufficient.
BUT GOD
He showed up in my life and removed the chains-chains I thought were released long ago.
He took my heart and extracted out the muck.
I laid it down for real. Truly laying it all at the foot of the cross and not turning back.
For the first time I feel healed of the past hurts, the abuse I gave myself, and the lies I believed for so long.
I am free to be the person I was always meant to be.
Every day is intentional. Every thought you hold captive. It can be too easy to slip back into our human condition. It is hard to follow Christ, but it is the most ‘worth it’ choice I have ever made.
If you want to be placed on the right track. It starts with letting go of this life and giving everything over to the Lord.
Psalms 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.”